Thursday, September 30, 2004

Selfworth and the dynamic pursuit of happiness ...

I think most people would agree that you need a certain amount of self worth in order to appreciate life. Generally, self worth, to me, is the value you place on your own interests and physical person. Someone who acquieses to the demands of a group is not devaluing their interests so long as they voice their opinion(s). However, there are certain interests that individuals seem to put on the back burner, so to speak, in order to make life easier.

Often displacement of personal interests comes as a substitute, and not an absolute assignment. In this sense a quid pro quo exists to counter the personal loss and replace it with a sufficient substitute. This allows us some kind of constitution and stability internally. What becomes troublesome is the repeated substitution of someone else's personal interests in place of our own. I feel, often, that substitution creates a feeling of loss, like I am not vested in whatever issue is at hand.

Undermining my own self worth for the benefit of others is wonderful, for them. However, this disconnection will often leave me confused, unrewarded, and, quite frankly, tired. We are experience such a undermining in our lectures. I am participating in order to learn. However, my interests in learning, the interests that drive me to participate in the first place, are under considerable pressure to conform to an almost teaching quality. I've thus become a teacher of materials for class, instead of divulging the liturature looking for nuances and mechanics. It is very frustrating, and the most likely source for my complaints and frustration with the course. As I deprivate myself of the recognition and selfsatisfaction of reaching my mental goals, I am also cheating myself of the selfworth I would derive from these. So in a sense, I've morphed from student to quasi-teacher. The kicker is that I receive little or no recognition for my efforts. When I do assert a question of nuance, the true professors shrug it off as 'not something they know about.'

For these reasons I feel frustrated, and unexplainably helpless to change the process. I need to make efforts to reinforce my interests in the studies, and continue to pressure the professors into answering my nuance questions. I think that the little things that I refuse to relinquish to the group, thereby retaining my selfworth-vestment in the academic side will pull me through. Otherwise this is going to be a terrible long year.

Small victories may support happiness. I will strive to reinstate my self into the course. Perhaps even a small portion of 'me' in the works will produce enough gratification to make the other challenges (the substituted challenges) less work and ultimately, make them enjoyable. In any event I will go absolutely mad if I don't make some adjustments. Learning is supposed to be fun. Maybe I should reevaluate and see if this process doesn't allow for DIFFERENT learning experiences. One thing is is certain, it is decidedly different from what I've done before!

~My best

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