Sunday, September 26, 2004

Eh, kinda blar-depro'd

Depression. Irritability. Preoccupation. Everyone has them. Hello, if we didn't we'd be too perfect. I just feel like lately I've been incredibly sensitive. There are so many reasons, but there are a few that weigh on my mind like broken records. C and I actually talked about them today, in the very abstract.

People, even those who are partnered, want physical touch and contact. Not so much in the sexual sense, but in the form of hugs and touching. Of course, I'd expect it to digress for most, but it doen't have to. There is no requirement that a hug or holding someone is meant for sexual purpose. Just sometimes you need hugs. It seems like I'm in desperate need sometimes, and the more I get the more I want.

I've been in a relationship based on pretenses, before, where certain events created this guard within me that I am having trouble removing. I am well passed this particular relationship, but I've been so critical of myself that I don't think I appeal to others as 'available' for a relationship of any kind. The problem here is that when I do start to expose parts of my sensitive side, it is usually to someone 'out of my reach.' Mi and I had this discussion REPEATEDLY, that I only like those I can't have. That I'm so willing to put energy into 'liking' someone when I know, deep down, that it can't be reciprocated. Interestingly, I don't feel hurt, or empty after this happens.

I guess what's upsetting me about this is that I was hurt by someone who is good looking, and relatively smart. Two things I am, inherently, attracted to. Well, the result tends to be pretty harsh. I am so skeptical about anyone halfway good looking that I immediately discount them. As in, 'if you are good looking, what interest would you have in me?' Moreover, 'if you are good looking, there is probably some fault in your character.' This, good looking is inherently broken, just needs to stop. I don't know how to get over it, but god damn if it isn't one of the hardest things I've had to do.

Rejection is a typical fear of everyone. However, rejecting yourself before someone actually gets the chance to do it is an even tougher obstacle. I've had enough trouble with this that I will avoid someone who is good looking just on the fact that I am already resolved that they will reject me, even before I attempt to connect with them. No one really wants to experience rejection, but it really is one of the things we do to get a good 'return' on our investments so to speak. What I've done, for at least the last 3 years, is invest in the secure. I attach to people who are intellectual and emotionally responsive, forgoing the attraction element. What makes this hard is that you really need to have relationships beyond just companionship. Maybe I'm irretrievably broken?

What's sad, is I would kill for someone who is "my type" to just sit with me and watch a movie. Give me a hug. Not be afraid to touch my arm when we are in a movie. Ha, want to nap with me -- probably my most favorite thing :) I mean, it doesn't even need to be sexual, just the mere presence of someone to reestablish my worth and thwart this blackhole of attraction I've experienced for who knows how long. It would help if they could reciprocate some of my attraction, but to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure that would make much of a difference right now since I am pretty skeptical about anyone who conveys their attractedness to me. It's like a bad drama: (1) a like b, (2) b likes a, (3) a tells b and (4) b is so unsure of himself that he dismisses a. The dismissal is misplaced, because it is b's discomfort with the conveyance from a. In that, b is having trouble manifesting how a could possibly have interest. It's really more of a self doubt, projected on the other person. It's terrible, and it's hard to get over. But I think I'll really make an effort to recoop that part of me.

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