Monday, January 28, 2008

Chuck Norris Anyone?

Almost everyone knows who Chuck Norris is. Whether it's from old reruns of Walker Texas Ranger or some other throw-back martial arts series, we know who Chuck is. I even have a tshirt I got from Target for $4.96 that declares, "Chuck does all my stunts." It even has a beard-sporting characiture to nail the message home. I noticed this obsession probably about 3 years ago when a few of my gamer buddies were spouting off 'Chuck Norris Facts.' Interestingly, Ian Spector created a fact generator about Chuck Norris in 2005 ... o.O The website back in 2005 was getting 10s of millions of hits a month. Ian attempted to explain to Chuck, on several public occasions, the meaning and purpose of the website, but apparently the powers to be, like major TV stations, didn't have the timeslot for the interlude. So Chuck settled on a private meeting late in 2005. This is all from Ian's book that he published after enormous response from fans in 2006, "The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 Facts About the World's Greatest Human," (Nov. 2007). Now that credit is given, I thought I would share some of these with you. Of note, I've heard the ones below so I don't mind retelling them. I hesitate to copy direction from Ian's book, since it seems unfair to impart the contents of something he clearly worked at producing ... (honestly, I think a bunch of flunkies with excessive amounts of vodka, and herbal substitutes, in their systems ran a bunch of facts through the website to produce most of the content). What you will notice is that most of these involve bodily functions, round-house kicks or body parts. Need I say more?

1. Chuck takes a crowbar into the bathroom with him incase he craps a bobcat and has to beat it to death.
2. Chuck is so all American that he eats Tyranny and shits bald eagles.
3. Chuck is like corn. No matter how much deep shit he's in he comes out in one piece.
4. When Chuck was denied a Whopper during the faux 'whopper outtage' Burger King is advertising, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
5. Chuck trained his dog to clean up after himself, because Chuck doesn't take shit from anyone.
6. Chuck coined the phrase, "Don't look at me like that or I'll fucking kill you." The common usage became, "Don't mess with Texas."
7. Chuck has perfected the art of removing a man's ear in hand-to-hand combat. Where do you think Tyson learned it?
8. If you can see Chuck, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck, you may be moments away from death.
9. Someone once bet Chuck he couldn't shit on the ceiling. Michaelangelo still owes him 10 bucks.
10. If Jesus had a braclet it would say "WWCND".

Hopefully this humor isn't totally lost :) Hope you enjoyed.


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