Ensam

Alone. Ensam in Swedish. I've been terribly alone today. For some reason I can't put my finger on, I've just felt singular and isolated. My own doing, of course, but it's tough. I'm not even sure that I would quantify what I feel as alone so much as not apart of two or a relationship. It's the absence of another. The Envanescence isn't helping, but I'm moody so it's suiting me.

Being together but alone. I have always had trouble with loneliness. Conceptually, when people read the above section you'd imagine I'm isolating myself, or not talking/seeing anyone at all. This couldn't be further from the truth. I am usually more alone when I'm with people, if that doesn't just sound bass ackwards. Like, I helped D with some computer issues today, and then we caught up over a coffee. I just wasn't there though. I mean I was there, we were together, but it just doesn't fill the 'alone space'. I don't think I said that very well. In any case, imagine being a room full of people, and I mean PACKED. They all talk to one another, and it gets dark. They move just far enough away that it is hard to make out who you are talking to, because of the lack of light, and if you move towards someone the croud shifts and you can't get closer. You know that they are there, but you are still alone, in a room full of people.

Terribly romantic. I've had these 'interesting' romantic notions all day. Oh, you know the kind, where you randomly bump into someone and they are 'the one'. I've given up on the looking, at least while I'm here. It seems that stockholm is a waste, a completly desolate and untouchable population; unavailable to me. In any case, I still imagine running into someone or seeing them across the room and just have a connection of some sort. It's got to happen sometime right? It's been a while since I had any kind of connection with a person like that ... It seems to happen to everyone else.

totally reminds me of a song. "Someone Else's Star" by Bryan White. I heard the Hullabahoos perform is at UVA when I was in undergrad and we went there to perform. I'm so going to post the lyrics. See if you relate:

"Alone again tonight
Without someone to love
The stars are shining bright
So one more wish goes up
Oh I wish I may
And I wish with all my might
To find that someone out there
Who is missing in my life

You'd think that I could find
A true love of my own
It happens all the time
To people that I know
Their wishes all come true
So I've got to believe
There's still someone out there who
Is meant for only me

Oh I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star
It seems like someone else keeps getting what I'm wishing for
Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are?
I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star

I sit here in the dark
And stare up at the sky
But I can't give my heart
One good reason why
Everywhere I look
It's lovers that I see
Seems like everyone's in love
With everyone but me....

Oh I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star
It seems like someone else keeps getting what I'm wishing for
Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are?
I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star

Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are?
I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star"

If you aren't bawling your eyes out I think I have some pepper and fresh cut onions to assist. I love the song, and it speaks to my heart, especially on days like today. It's kind of sad, but eh, it's true. I've done alot, I've seen alot, but I've almost no one to share it with.

Tomorrow will be a better day,

~B