Tuesday, October 12, 2004

I bit unhappy

So my friend, M, in Stockholm is leaving. Of course M is not my only friend, I have D and C, but my friend outside of school. I'm sad to see M go.

Hopefully I can go to see M in amsterdam though -- you know, a fun visit :) In any event, I am sad to see M go because I had a crush on M. M is partnered, though. The tough part is that M and M's partner are on the outs, and that is why M is leaving. How much does that suck. M is now 'available' in theory, but I'd feel like a vulture, I think, if I told M about my feelings. C has met M, and agrees that M is awesome - both in personality and person.

Anyways, I'm coping and trying to get over it. Otherwise I had yet ANOTHER meet-and-greet. This one went okay, but there was an undertone of disappointment. I am not sure I was my date's type. The date's description did not meet up to my expectations in person, so I was a bit disappointed at the outset. We will see what happens though. Definitely not date material in terms of anything more than a movie and going out friend.

In the utter disarray of dating and meeting new people that constitutes my otherwise normal life, I'm burried by disappointment and self-imposed, impossibly high standards. Such is my dismay and continued pining, for I cannot, and will not, settle for one who does not treasure me for who I am. Thus the lying and deceit need end. So must the perpetual lamenting over possible love. I am certain love exists, and yet does not, for me -- to this point I concede that it is I as much as my suitors at fault. Yet, this does not fix my most unhappy conondrum. Perhaps more dates will squelch these feelings that run amuck of mine tender heart? Or alternatively, more dates will steele my heart to the possibility of love true or otherwise? To this end, to the World you may be One, but to One you may be the World; seek not what you cannot offer, for regret is only due to those who try, and false regret paralyzes a person in mind and heart. Herein lies my fault, can though answer mine mishap and render me functional again?

~ B

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